Freeing Yourself from What the World Thinks by Developing Internal Validation.⛓️

Published: Wed, 04/12/23

If outside validation is your only source of nourishment, you will hunger for the rest of your life.

― Unknown

I was crushed when I read the reply from the fifth writing agency I contacted about representation for my novel.

Fantastic Story but too political for our tastes.

It was becoming the kind the response that hid a deeper issue about black authors and diverse voices, but for me, at the time, it was just frustrating. Ten agencies later, I decided to approach things from a different angle. It hurt, but it was refreshing too.

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Stop Giving Away Your Power.

I didn’t give up.

I didn’t allow the opinions of others to destroy my dreams, even if they were gatekeepers. When I was much younger, I tried to convince everyone to agree with every decision I’d make for my life. A change occurred in me somewhere in my life journey, and I didn’t recognise that I had begun to develop something crucial to my success.

Read My Micro Story - All Men are Monsters.

Life is complex, and there are some principles that we all need to master to make headway. But to really shake things up and get ahead of 95% of people, you need to chase applause from others. That approval you crave needs to focus on developing a sense of internal validation. You have to accept yourself for who you are, flaws and all, and be willing and able to take risks and pursue your goals even if others disapprove. I’ve always been quietly stubborn, especially with regard to my goals. Having people close to you who are not in your corner is a common gripe for most ambitious people. I’ve come to understand that you don’t need their blessing to do big things. It’s a bonus if you have it, but it takes nothing away from your potential.

Now that is absolute freedom.

But how can you make internal validation a habit? Well let's get practical. One of the first things you need to get used to is the act of talking to yourself aloud or in your head. I like to do it aloud because the simbilance of my voice adds to the impact. I also do it alone.

How do you talk to yourself when you fuck up? Listen to your tone. Is it understanding or harsh. Say it out loud and make adjustments if you are being too rough with yourself. Recognise that nobody is perfect, including you. Accept that you have strengths and weaknesses and that it’s okay to make mistakes or have flaws. Embrace your imperfections as a part of your unique self. Cut yourself some slack.

Adopt the same style you would if taking with a friend. Practise respect for yourself Avoid harsh self-criticism or negative self-talk; instead, replace it with self-compassion and understanding. Just like you would if you were reasoning with a friend.

Comparison has always been a tough one for me but when I talk to myself I recognise that everyone has their own journey and struggles. So I tell myself to focus on my progress, growth, and achievements without comparing myself to the standards of the world. Celebrate every win no matter how small.

Sometimes you’re going to be angry or frustrated with yourself, it’s okay. It’s a natural part of being human. Accept and honour your emotions and when you talk to yourself don’t be critical be your own brother or a sister.

So the shit has hit the fan and this is where most of us fall apart. Maintaining a Positive Self-Image is a bitch but self-talk comes to the rescue. You have to talk yourself into reframing negative self-talk or self-doubt into positive affirmations and beliefs about yourself. It's not a magic potion but will best prepare you to overcome your challenges.

Now the final aspect of developing internal validation is more self observation than self talk. Cultivate present-moment awareness and non-judgmental observation of yourself and your experiences. Step back for a moment and observe how you move though the world. If you’re not happy with how you are reacting under pressure, make subtle adjustments. You have the power. Be in the present moment without dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. See yourself for who you right now without beating yourself up. Then with cool consideration make a change.

It's nice to have the support of friends and family in whatever we do in life. If the world celebrates us then its a beautiful thing. It's when we are not celebrated that we need to be able to look into ourselves and be good with the world's opinion of us. I've learned to value my own opinion but if my resolve weakens and I start looking outside myself for validation then my self talk will come to my aid and I'm reminded that I'm valuable, talented, unique and worthy.

Be Your Own Hero.